All the feels...

So I'm a total basket case the last few weeks. Silly pregnancy hormones have me feeling all the feels. Last week I cried FIVE times before 10am one day. Like, I was bawling and by the afternoon it looked as though a boy broke my heart and I had been up crying in my bed all night. Luckily I was working from home that morning waiting for a plumber so no one had to witness the tears or see the aftermath of my puffy eyes (except my patient husband) but it was awful. Dan called me to check in to see how I was doing and I was crying so hard he couldn't understand me. "Did you just say you don't want to have the baby?"  "NOOOOOO! I didn't say that!" If you are a lover of the greatest show of all time, Friends, and remember the episode when Rachel says goodbye to Monica before leaving for Paris and they are both crying and can't understand one another...that's what it was like. Later I was at Costco talking to my mom on the phone and I told her how I was super emotional and she asked why and I lost my sh*t at Costco in the produce section. I couldn't even tell her why because I would start crying even harder. No one needs to see an ugly cry face at Costco. 

I was crying because I was thinking about how lucky I am that Miles made me a mama. He is the sweetest, smartest, most curious little boy and I thank my lucky stars to call him mine. I mean "ours" (Dan likes to call me out when I say things like that). When you are pregnant with your first baby, your heart immediately grows because you are carrying another human being inside of you. You often daydream about what the baby will be like and how maternity leave will pan out.  You'll ask yourself questions like: How will he behave as a toddler? What kind of hobbies or sports will he like when he's 6 and 16? What kind of person will he be in highschool? When will he fall in love for the first time? When will he have his heart broken for the first time and WHO DO I NEED TO TRACK DOWN TO GIVE HER I PIECE OF MY MIND? Where will he go to college (dear God please let it be close to where we live)?  What kind of career will he have? Who will he marry and WILL THEY LIVE CLOSE TO US SO I CAN SEE THEM OFTEN and be close to my grandbabies?  And other logical questions like: How can I make sure I don't raise an asshole? How can I make sure he is kind to others? How can I make sure he isn't a bully and will be someone who will stick up for the kid getting picked on?  It's like a constant state of curiosity and being worried about something quite honestly I can't really control. But then you actually have the baby. And your heart....oh, your heart...it just expands bigger than you ever thought it could and you immediately fall in love with this tiny little human that made you a mama. And then reality sets in and you have absolutely no idea what you're doing or how you can quite possibly not screw him up for life! But then you get a little more confident at what you're doing and he continues to grow and starts crawling and then walking and then TALKING and you have funny toddler conversations with this little human who made you a mama and then your heart gets even more full!  

....and then you get pregnant again and you immediately think about how your family dynamic will change and how this will affect your first baby. The baby who made you a mama. How on earth will we survive when we're used to 100% of our attention on Miles at all times? How on earth can we SHARE our attention or our love with another little baby?  Well I've been told by EVERYONE I KNOW who has more than one child that your heart somehow expands immediately and you will instantaneously feel like this new baby who just rocked your family's world is now part of you all -- and your family wouldn't be the same without this new life. I'm quite confident all of these people who told me this are right -- it's just hard to imagine our family of three becoming a family of four some times.

This is why I'm crying all the time these days. We're about four weeks out from my due date. We're about to transition Miles in to his new room with his new big boy bed. There are just a lot of changes happening and about to happen that I get emotional just thinking about this inevitable countdown. For example: So many more nights of our nightly routine just the three of us. Me doing the bath and then Dan "chasing" us down the hall with Miles in nothing but his elephant bath towel and the biggest grin on his face laughing so hard. So many more nights I get to actually sleep several consecutive hours (I have major pregnancy insomnia now so we'll let this one slide). So many more mornings of Miles "helping" me in the kitchen stirring pancake mix and making coffee. So many more weekend days of the three of us hanging out in our jammies for hours and just relaxing with a llimited amount of tantrums/tears.  Only a few more nights before we transition Miles to his new room that I actually get to ROCK my baby before putting him down in his crib. Ahhh!  
 
I have no doubt we will love this sweet baby Lemon just as much as we love Miles. I have no doubt I will ask myself the same silly questions for Lemon as I asked myself when I had Miles. I have no doubt that my heart will somehow miraculously grow the second I get to hold her for the first time in my arms. She will be ours and I will be her mama. 

All the feels....